The WHACK! Staph, always eager to attend a rare porn-related event in the Rotten Apple we call home, recently got wind of the first installment of Porn Star Sex Life, a new seminar/workshop series offered by Josh Rosenberg (pickup artist extraordinaire) and Ryan Keely (duhhhhh, one of the hottest, and smartest, adult stars in the biz). This first even of the series was to be held Saturday, July 10, at Velour Loung in New York City’s Chelsea neighborhood and promised pointers, detailed instructions, and even live on-stage demonstrations of sex tactics by Ryan herself. Needless to say, we jumped all over the scent of Porn Star Sex Life like a hound dog on the trail of a particularly sexy-smelling marmot. Alas, as is often the case in anything run by porn people, tracking down the specifics of the event as pertained to our entry with media passes was tricky at best, a total clusterfuck of criss-crossing e-mails at worst. Without going into grim detail, suffice it to say that after numerous attempts at communication via Keely’s publicist, the Whack! staph has just discovered, at 11:30am the day of the event, that not only does it start at 2pm, but that it is scheduled to run a full eight hours till 10pm, at which time an after-party will start and run until 4am.

A 14-hour event has not been on the WHACK! radar. Not that we are against partying with porn stars till 4:00 am (actually that’s one of our favorite pastimes), but 14 hours of anything requiring attention and less-than-avid swilling of liquor… Well… We are a lazy bunch of jizz journalists, and we’ve been planning to stop by for two-three hours, make use of the bar at the Velour NYC lounge where the event will be held, schmooze with some porn people, and be on our merry, intoxicated way. After a huddled conference over what to do, we decide that the only way to conduct our media coverage of this excruciating long, yet esteemed sex event will be to show up late, already intoxicated, and proceed as we’d originally planned. Represent the gonzo lifestyle and what not.

After a few hours at a bar nearby, pounding down cheap happy-hour beers, the Whack! staph makes its bumbling, boozey way over to Velour, where we find a small but respectable crowd seated in the bar area, watching intently as Ryan Keely herself, flanked by scorching hot sex kittens Jade Vixen and Justine Joli, delve deeply into the topic of anal sex from a small, make-shift stage. “Let’s rock and roll and talk about butt sex!” Ryan announces. “Thank god,” we think collectively, “we got here in time for the good stuff!”

Justine and Jade are dressed identically in light blue lingerie, while Ryan holds court in a white yoga-ish outfit that shows off her perky puddins to full effect. The girls discuss the importance of lube during anal (to prevent ripping the tissue and spreading disease), the expertise of Nina Hartley and Tristan Taormino on the topic of butt plugging, and the excellence of the idea of purchasing anal starter kits…

As time goes by and the WHACK! staph gets bored (we’re at least a twelve-pack deep, remember), Maxxx Peters wanders over to the bar for a drink, only to be told the bar will not open until 8:00 pm. Damn. Fuckin’ degenerate barkeeps won’t give a drink to a man in desperate need of diversion? Who’s running this joint? To keep himself busy, Peters starts snapping pictures while Jack Hoff films video of the three foxy females on stage demonstrating proper spanking and face-slapping techniques.

In less than a few minutes, however, one of Keely’s people informs us that media passes don’t mean using real media: they’re filming the whole thing for a DVD, which puts the kibosh on anyone else filming anything. So the WHACK! staph must now sit, tails between legs and pens and paper in hand, taking notes in the dark while the girls continue to do maddeningly sexual things to each other on stage. To our inebriated brains, this is torture.

Thank the gods of degeneracy, this state of affairs does not last long. Our plan to arrive late has paid off—the seminar portion of the evening is over, educational as it was. (No, really, it was! Ryan informed us, as pertains to DP play, that “having something in your pussy and in your ass at the same time feels great, as long as it’s not two cocks.” I had no idea! I’ll have to rearrange my weekend plans now. Also, we learned that the essential tools to any kind of dirty sex [menstrual or anal] are lube, low lights, and baby wipes. Valuable stuff here, people.) Now it’s time for the drinking to commence!

Alas, by “commence drinking,” the powers that be meant, “Wait around for another hour while we set up the bar.” Maxxx Peters continues to ask for a drink from anyone behind the bar in ten-minute intervals, while I go around asking the attendees how they liked Porn Star Sex Life. Warren, a systems administrator from the city, informs me that he “did enjoy it, and learned a few things along the way. The best part were definitely the demonstrations.”

“I missed that part.”

“Well, then, you missed out!”

Well put, Captain Dumbass.

Around this time, the starlets themselves began to circulate, and I lost no time in cornering Ryan Keely. “Well Josh is a pick-up coach, and we’d talked a lot about how he trains men to talk to women, but I thought, ‘What happens then when they get to the sex part?’” she says. A valid point. Based on some of the questions in the Q & A segment of the evening, I think most of these dudes see women as aliens or gods or something in between, because they do not seem to have the slightest idea how to deal with them. “You can learn a lot by story telling,” says Ryan, so they’re incorporating a lot of that into the seminar, as well as detailed instructions on everything from picking up a girl to incorporating a third party into sex play. The next one will be in New York on September 18, guys—mark your calendars!—and another will follow in January at the AEE expo in Las Vegas, making use of the expertise of male porn performers, as well.

As I’m talking to Ryan, who’s pontificating about different tongue types and how they can be used in cunnilingus, however, a great hairy hulking dweeb of a fanboi, who chose to go by AJ, approaches and begins to make incredibly awkward comments on our conversation. We ignore him. He looks like a cross between a tech geek and the wolf man. He keeps talking. Eventually he has worked his way so firmly between us that he is the only one talking. Ryan is giving me “WTF” eyes, and I’m shrugging and trying to decide if I should just go back to the bar and join Maxxx, who is still begging for premature drinks, or try to save Ryan from this geek.

I choose the bar. As I approach, thank god, the twin bartenders (no, I’m not making that up, they were twins, they were hot, and they were wearing the same short dress) who arrived a while ago march up to Maxxx, who’s hanging onto the bar for dear life as the drunk oozes out of him, and ask him what he’d like. I insert myself (less awkwardly than AJ) and get a vodka and soda.

Sweet, sweet nectar of life! I can operate again. I go back to the AJ/Ryan debacle and start asking AJ questions and taking notes so Ryan can make an escape. Within a few minutes I have learned that AJ wants to learn what’s out there sexually and learn the easier, “not too much work” ways to get laid. A real Don Juan we have here. Within a few more moments, I have heard the story of his first sexual encounter and the thirty types of condoms he masturbated with afterwards to find the right fit. I am uncomfortable.

I find Ryan again, and this time we discuss zombies at length. I tell her my theory that if zombies attacked, Manhattan would be the worst place to be. “Oh, you’re fucked!” she agrees. “Hell, the wine store at Trader Joe’s looks like a zombie attack already at 10:00 every night. Your only chance in Manhattan would be to live in a building with a grocery store on the first floor and barricade yourself in. I’m saving money to buy a farm upstate as a safe house.”

I respect this woman. She knows her zombie escape/fight plans. She’s serious.

Anyway, she’s busy, so I move on to Justine Joli, who I have to admit I’ve been crushing on ever since I saw her in Taxi. The red-headed starlet is happy to see reporters amidst the crowd of AJs, and invites us down to the basement to talk. Maxxx and I readily agree, until we’ve made it down to the basement, which, I’m sure Ryan has noticed already, resembles the most terrifying set of a zombie movie—ever. We can only hope they don’t attack now.

However, the basement has a few saving graces: 1) no fanbois, 2) privacy, 3) a bottle of Bushmills. We set to work. Maxxx asks Justine why she thinks Q & A sessions at events like this are so stomach-churningly awkward and silent. She thinks about it, as Ryan appears behind her to distribute checks. “I think,” Justine says, “that people like to say porn performers are sex addicts. We’re not. Well, some of us may have been… but we found a healthy way to deal with it. I mean, I’ll say that personally, my sex drive is massive. Dear god, I can hump a lot of people in one day! But I found a safe, healthy outlet for it in performing. And people expect us to be just these sex-crazed animals, fucking everything and everyone. It’s not like that. When they see that we’re real people with deep emotional backgrounds, they don’t know what to say to us.”

“Ryan?” I ask. “Your thoughts?”

“Everything she just said.”

And with that, wisdom has been parsed. That is all we need. We set to work on the Bushmills in earnest and before long, the night becomes a blur of half-memories. They’re all good. —Miss Lagsalot

Check out more about Porn Star Sex Life at http://www.pornstarsexlife.com, and check back in the following weeks as we interview Ryan, Jade, and Justine!

This WHACK! entry was created on Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 at 4:00 am and is filed under Miscellaneous Miscreantism, Special Report. You can follow any comments on it through the RSS 2.0 feed. Join the whack-tastic party and leave your comment!