TAXI: A HARDCORE PARODY
Vouyer Media
Directed by Anton Slayer
BROADS
Kirsten Price, Eva Angelina, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Jenny Hendrix
It’s not often you see a porno with a predominantly male cast outside of the, shall we say, fruitier side of the adult video shop. Sure, there are bukkake movies and gangbang films with male performers outnumbering female performers 2 or 4 or 25 to 1, and that’s all fun and fine and dandy, but those guys aren’t really cast members. They’re rent-a-cocks; they don’t get any billing or a place in the credits, and no part of their anatomy above the naval or below the knees shows up on camera. No, top billing and all the prime DVD case real estate is saved for the babes, even in films dedicated to demeaning them; that’s how we end up with movies like Choke Your Hoe 5 and Beat the Bitch Into Submission 17 with visions of glorious, Aphrodite-like creatures gracing their covers. And this, of course, is how it should be: we come to porn for the babes, and those babes are what we want to see before, during, and after the actual porn-watching process.
All of which makes the film I am currently reviewing, Vouyer Media’s Taxi: A Hardcore Parody really stand out from the crowd. Take one look at that box cover up there and you’ll see what I mean. Sure, there’s Kirsten Price and her cleavage there in the middle, but what’s all that stuff piled up around her? Ron Jeremy, Evan Stone, Mick Blue? Jack Lawrence? It’s like a who’s who of the hairy, lumpy, erect side of the porno world. Of course, there are still babes; there have to be babes, that’s one of those fundamental laws like “gravity makes apples fall down” and “Thou Shalt Not Kill” without which the world would stop making sense: there have to be hot babes. Krissy Lynn, Eva Angelina, Jenny Hendrix, and Monique Alexander all make appearances and help Kirsten represent that soft, curvy, wonderful side of porn that we put up with the mopes in order to get a good look at. The difference from your average fuck flick is that this time around, it’s the ladies who are relegated to the back cover.
Which actually makes a pretty good metaphor for this movie; rather than being a skin flick with some Taxi-derived jokes thrown in for flavor, this is a big long episode of the classic sitcom with marathon sex scenes and some adult thematics thrown in for flavor. One of the major focuses of this particular episode, for example, is Latka’s regrettable sexual history; let me just say that his past partners have an unfortunate tendency to go on all fours, but that Jenny Hendrix and a particularly low cut red dress swoop in to save the day. And while these boys aren’t exactly actors, they are the ones reading the lines, so they get their pictures on the front and their fifteen minutes in the sun.
I’m taking cheap shots at the mopes’ acting, but I do so more because it’s my job to say things like that than because they really fucked this one up. The acting here is actually really funny; not Oscar-winning, no, but good for a couple of laughs to break up the orgasms. Old Man Frady’s Jim Ignatowski and Mick Blue’s Latka are both great, hilarious parodies of characters who were pretty damn hilarious to begin with. Evan Stone is probably the most entertaining actor the porn world has to offer at the moment, and he does his thing as Alex Rieger well, but I do kind of wish Vouyer had given him a funnier part. They obviously gave him Rieger because it’s the part with the most actual acting, and he probably was the only member of the sausage brigade who could have done it convincingly, but the man is best in roles where at least a bit of the ridiculous shines through; think Pirates, The Devil in Miss Jones: The Resurrection, or Batman XXX. Or — and I’m super excited about this — his upcoming turn as the Mad Hatter in Alice.
The most perfectly cast mope in the film, on the other hand, is clearly Ron Jeremy. The guy looks so much like Danny DeVito that it’s scary. Also interesting about the Hedgehog’s performance in Taxi is the fact that it’s a non-sex role; add to that our furry friend’s window-popping cameo in Batman XXX and there seems to be some sort of keeping-the-dick-in-the-sweatpants pattern developing here. What’s going on here? Is Ron making his move from penile performer to mainstream movie star? Or are the Hedgehog’s spines just going a little limp?
Ok, now that I’ve fit this review to the Taxi pattern and taken up all my available space talking about mopes, let’s give a little of that bottom-of-the-column, back-of-the-DVD space to the lovely ladies and their lovely sex scenes. The Latka and a prostitute scene with Jenny Hendrix is definitely the hottest, in my humble opinion; and I’m glad, really, because Latka deserves it, the weird little fucker. The standout sexual moment in the film, however, comes much earlier, in the very first scene. The set up here is Bobby Wheeler’s fare being a submissive on her way to a bondage club; cue the penetration. What earns this scene a particular shoutout, though, is the bit where Wheeler’s got the leather-clad commuter’s back up against the cab with both her legs over his shoulders. If you can’t picture this in your head, the result is Eva Angelina’s perfectly rounded ass essentially floating in midair; a more beautiful position from which to watch that perfect tush get pounded you will never find.
—Maxxx Peters