THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF PORNSTAR HEROES
Extreme Comixxx
Directed by Sinister X
HORNY HEROES/VENEREAL VILLIANS
Rocco Reed, Bill Bailey, Barry Scott, Talon, Evan Stone, Scott Lyons, Tom Byron, Tommy Gunn. Special appearance by Ron Jeremy as The Penguin.
HOT HEROINES/VIXEN-Y VILLAINESSES
Chanel Preston, Andy San Dimas, Amber Raw, Shyla Stylez, Kristina Rose, Roxanne Hall
I knew I was going to like this movie within the first two minutes. In fact, it only took about twenty seconds. The live-action starts (the movie starts with a cartoon intro. Nice touch.) at 1:30, and by 1:58. I knew I was going to like it. What happened in those twenty seconds? We find out the city’s name is Porntropolis, there’s a “weather bomb” that’s threatening the city, Robin delivers two “holy something!” lines, and Batman makes a sharp observation. That’s all it took. Oh, yeah, and there are naked people in it, too. Not in the first twenty seconds, in the movie itself; but I figured that if it kept on like that, the fact that there would inevitably be nudity was just icing on the cake.
To begin with, let’s get all the bad stuff out of the way. For starters, the credits sequence gave me a headache. There was absolutely no reason for constant 3D animations of metal blocks exploding. I would have preferred it if they had animated the credits cartoony-like, which would have matched the actual cartoon segments and been way more awesome. Also, Green Lantern (played by Talon) was the only character (with the exception of one) that actually had the body for it. Batman was close, and I’ll give Robin a pass, since he’s supposed to be young, and didn’t get bad-ass and buff until he became Nightwing, but come on. You’re making a movie about comic book heroes, in an industry full of people that fit the physical descriptions perfectly. I mentioned an exception to the “perfect body for the role” thing, and that’s Ron Jeremy as The Penguin. He was channeling DeVito’s Penguin, and did a perfect job. Had he tried to ape Meredith’s Penguin, however, I feel he would have fallen short. Also, Harley Quinn is supposed to be blond, and wear either black or red lipstick. They go through the trouble of covering Amber Rain’s face with white makeup, and don’t bother coloring her lips. Flash’s ear-bolts looked weird; Wonder Woman has black hair, not brown; and they went with the new Catwoman, as opposed to that hot black pleather suit from Batman Returns.
Okay, that it? Good. Now on to the good stuff.
You know how I’m always complaining about how long the sex scenes are in these parodies? Not in this one. The longest scene was 25 minutes, and most fell in the 10-20 min. range. As a result, it cut from one position or action to another, instead of showing the physical change, but that’s totally cool. The sex was pretty good. Nothing really stood out as particularly exciting, though the blow-bang at the end, with the entire male contingent of the Justice League (sans Aquaman, because, y’know, fuck Aquaman) forcing Wonder Woman (Chanel Preston) to choke down their cocks, was pretty cool. I was surprised that they opted to use the real names of the characters since, excluding the two that aren’t actual comic characters, that’s 13 registered trademarks they’re playing around with. For the record, the two characters they made up are “The General” and “Mob Boss.” I tried to see if Mob Boss was an actual character (or based on one), but the closest I could find was Julianna Sazia, one of the characters from Wonder Woman’s continuity, and I’m pretty sure that’s not who they were going for.
The first sex scene involves Batman (Evan Stone) and Robin (Scott Lyons) double-teaming Catwoman (Roxanne Hall). Yowza. First off, Evan Stone WAS Keaton’s Batman, with a little bit of West thrown in. Made for a really great mix. Serious and cheesy, awesome and campy. In other words, exactly what you want from a pornographic parody of Batman. In both of the sex scenes involving Batman and Robin (never thought I’d type that particular sentence), Batman let Robin cum first. The first time was on Catwoman’s face, the second time was on Wonder Woman’s face at the end. Robin said a total of 10 “holy something!” lines, the best of which had to be “holy double penetration, Batman!” Great. I was a little disappointed that Batman didn’t have any sex toys or lube or anything in his utility belt, but that’s a minor thing. Besides, Evan Stone more than made up for it at the end, when he was unleashing a particularly heroic load on Wonder Woman’s face and said “Fuck, I’m still bat-cumming!”
Surprisingly, the Flash (Barry Scott) scene was one of the more aggressive ones. He was fucking Mob Boss (Andy San Dimas), and gave her a mighty pounding. I guess it was supposed to be supersonic fucking, but it wound up looking pretty rough. In a good way. Also, I guess technically it’s super-hypersonic, since supersonic really only covers the speeds between Mach 1 and Mach 5, at which point it becomes hypersonic. For that matter, one could argue that The Flash is photosonic, since he can travel up to and, in some cases, beyond the speed of light (about Mach 874,000). Anyway, back to the fucking — I wasn’t expecting him to whomp her in the face with his dick as much as he did. I would have thought that would be more Batman’s style.
The scene between Green Lantern (Talon) and Harley Quinn (Amber Rain) gets second place in roughness (a close second), but was still really awesome. Talon was the only hero that actually took his costume off, everyone else just stuck their dick out through either a cleverly hidden fly, or around the outside underpants. [[Editorial note: Hah! Outside underpants!] I also really liked the scene where Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth doesn’t work against The General (Tommy Gunn), so she instead has to use her “Truth Juices.” I did kinda expect Wonder Woman to be more forceful in her fucking, what with her being an Amazon and all, but it was still pretty hot.
This movie is fanservice, pure and simple. There are a few things that aren’t correct, and a few things that only matter to people like me who scrutinize things professionally, but it’s a lot of fun. The story is a basic comic book story, but it’s well acted, the sex was all pretty good, and the comedy, both intentional and non-, is reason enough to watch the movie. Great for comic fans, porn fans (yeah, like comic fans aren’t ALREADY porn fans), and the odd spandex fetishist. 4 strokes out of 5.
—Swabbin DeBoner