KILLER BODIES: THE AWAKENING
Adam & Eve
Directed by David Lord
KILLERS & BODIES
Tori Black, Bree Olson, Teagan Presley, Alexis Ford, Brooke Lee Adams, Jessica Jaymes, Randy Spears
Killer Bodies is some wonderful, fucked up shit.
In this disturbing fuck fest, Tori Black stars as Beth, the sweet wife of an older rich guy. They live a simple life. They watch porn together, and he goes off on business trips that she doesn’t really understand. Typical shit. But one day, she gets kidnapped by a hot blonde, a hot brunette, a dopey dude, and a violent guy. What happens next, you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest, I have no fucking idea. The story made about as much sense as Mulholland Drive does when you’re on shrooms. For some loopy reason, Beth is forced by her kidnappers to watch fucked-up videos, including one where a girl’s throat gets cut in a crazy sexual game (the kind of game Ted Bundy plays, I guess), and one in which BETH’S MOM GETS HATE-FUCKED! Seriously, that is true torture. Saddam probably did that shit. That’s probably what that old bastard Cheney had them do to the prisoners over in Gitmo. I mean that is cruel. But the real kicker about this torture is that it’s some kind of experiment. It’s all in the name of science, see? The fucked-up video fiasco ends up turning Beth into a smokin’ hot killing machine. And once she transforms into this Kill Bill-esque tough chick, anything goes. She burns people alive and beats the shit out of Alexis Ford and shows her cute little titties to anybody who wants to see ‘em. Perhaps this movie is a pro-torture political statement. Dick Cheney would love this movie.
Part of why the plot is confusing is because it is an “Interactive DVD.” The viewer can choose who the girls fuck, and what scenes come next. It’s pretty damn fun, I have to say. I was always a fan of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, though somehow I never found my adventures taking any turns as exciting as Tori Black telling a gun store clerk to lick her fucking pussy lips. Why did I always have to go the safe route? Goddamn it. Anyway, in Killer Bodies there are 32 possible variations. I tried to get through a lot of them — but my clit gets tired just thinking about all those different combinations of spit-swapping. These actors must have worked overtime. Tori Black cries and fucks and kills and runs around with her typical finesse. She is a beautiful woman, and she’s a good actress. I mean it. She does a nice job of going from scared little girl to Samuel L. Jackson-stuck-in-a-skinny-white girl. The adorable Alexis Ford lights up each scene with her big, beautiful eyes (which, ny the way, are quite lovely when she’s looking up from her knees), and Teagan Presley once again solidifies her identity as one of the hottest women on the planet. I want to tattoo her right boob on my arm or name my future kid after her. With a special appearance by Jessica Jaymes being the cherry on top of this creamy cream pie, my eyes rolled so far in the back of my head they probably turned all the way around and got a glimpse of the dildo whacking crazily away in my ass.
With all these amazing ladies prancing around in kidnapper and kidnap-ee outfits in this mysterious, violent, choose-your-own-adventure DVD, don’t skimp on the Vaseline, or you’re gonna get real raw. But… don’t try and make sense of what I’m saying. Just take another acid tablet and go with the flow. Your dick will thank you.
—Lolly Gagger