Ok fine, bitches, I like it on my face. I like looking up at a sexually aroused man and talking dirty to him before his face turns into a puddle of relaxation and my face turns into a puddle of goo. I like to look in the mirror and see the markings of a man [...]

I was born with the body of a youthful Renaissance maiden and the bones of an 81-year-old farmer in the midst of the Great Depression. From a young age, my bones petered out on me and left me hobbling when I played too much Rec&Ed soccer or danced with too much Natalie Portman perfectionism in [...]

In real life (whatever the fuck that is), a crush follows a pretty predictable pattern. You start to notice the person for some physical attribute or some smile they give you or some movie you find out you both like, you giggle a little bit when they say stuff, and you talk with them if [...]

Kyle was a blonde, broad-shouldered, aspiring actor; a woman’s dream and a gay man’s love thunder bolt. I met him in an acting class. He was charming and talented. At first, I dismissed him as a useless fratty pretty boy. I avoided him so that I wouldn’t have to listen to the usual fratty-pretty-boy banter [...]

I have a pretty great sex life, you guys. Like, the other night (from what I remember) I crawled all around the floor with my best high heels on while my boyfriend drank the whiskey I’d served him, and then we explored our sado-masochistic tendencies together. It was like a Law and Order SVU flashback to the [...]

My friend is a virgin. And no, not one of my friends down at the local middle school, of which I have many (they have the best drugs), but my friend who is on the brink of her late-twenties. Why? You ask. Good question. The girl is smoking hot. Any man of non-Caucasian descent would [...]

Now, I consider myself a pretty kinky lady. I like a good whippin’, a good “Ice Cream Sundae” (and if you’re kinky as hell like me, oh boy, do you l know what I’m talking about), and I can’t count the times I’ve watched Labyrinth while going down on a guy dressed like David Bowie [...]

For her 27th birthday last weekend, a Canadian hippie friend of mine received a vibrator among her gifts. I was psyched. I mean, that’s an awesome present, eh? I was like, “Oooh, what size is it? What shape? Does it rotate, buzz just in the vibrator part or the whole schlong? Is it water-proof? Quiet [...]

What are you doing right now? Me? Oh nothing. I’m just hanging out, rubbing my pussy. Yeah, it’s getting really wet… I wish I was naked on your bed with my legs spread. You know what I want you to do to me next time I see you, baby? I want you to use your [...]

Let me just say, I am anti-rape. I don’t know who the fuck is pro-rape, but it’s not me. I love movies where rapists get killed. I fully support Samuel L. Jackson’s vigilantism in a Time to Kill (shoot that fucking honky, Sam!), and I sincerely wish I could murder pushy frat boys in their [...]